Here's a short story?

I hope you realize it didn't all post. There's a character limit and it seems you've gone over it with you work. I sugget if you want true critiques of your work you post it on a story share forumn site such as Critique Circle (google it for more info). This way you'll get more views and better feedback then the "cool story" comments most people leave here without ever even having read it. Lots of people here are just point hungry. You should check into sites just for writers so you get honest reviews.